If your auntie had balls...

I've inherited an interest in phrases of a similar theme, expressing skepticism about a claim dependent upon too many conditionals, from an old housemate. I'm interested in more, please e-mail me if you have any.

If your auntie had balls, she'd be your uncle.

common English phrase

If my cow was a cat I could milk her by the fire.

translated from Dutch

If your grandmother had four wheels, you'd be a bus.

translated from Spanish

With a few ifs, you could put Paris in a bottle.

French phrase.

If you had tits and no cock, you'd be a woman.

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If ifs and ands were pots and pans, you'd have a very nice kitchen.

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If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, wouldn't it be a Merry Christmas?

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If wishes were horses, I'd be eating wish-meat every night.

Mo Sizlak's version (Simpsons S21E17)